you traded sex for a burrito?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
