Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
one two three fourrrrnication!
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just invented taco cereal.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
