Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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