Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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