Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
