I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
