tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
No stitches, just platelets and will power
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
