Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
