Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
