Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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