you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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