My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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