Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
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I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
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Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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