I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
why do cheetos always look like penises
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
