just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
There r osticjed everywhere
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
