I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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