I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
