Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
