Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
