I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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