I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
