Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Couch. On fire.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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