I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
