So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
