I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
