ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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