it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
