I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Hippo gnu deer
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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