but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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