Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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