dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
