i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
