i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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