i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I would ride that face into the sunset
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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