We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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