So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
