"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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