just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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