This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
