I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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