If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
