he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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