I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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