so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
