Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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