I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
