Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
