i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
