Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
