i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
