i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
