im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
