did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
