I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
