I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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