she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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