feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
